"I’ll never forgot what we went through, it’s like a footprint on our lives. But it brought us Annabelle.
Our journey began when we sadly suffered a neonatal loss at 22 weeks. Our boy passed away after just one and a half hours. We were devastated.
Four months later I found myself pregnant again with twins and had a very difficult antenatal journey. I was under the care of a pre-term clinic but felt I was often seen as overly anxious due to my previous loss, and my worries were ignored or dismissed. I was refused the cervical stitch and had miscalculated scans, which resulted in the early delivery of a boy and a girl at 23 weeks. Sadly, our boy died after a day and a half on the neonatal unit as he was so poorly.
Life after loss is so hard, but there began the next chapter with our little girl, who really needed us. She ended up spending 129 days between 3 neonatal units, with a multitude of serious medical challenges. Every single day was so worrying. Why were the medications not working? Why was her condition not improving? I felt as though I was walking around with a massive knot in my throat, like I couldn’t breathe.
I came across Spoons on the neonatal unit when I was approached by one of their volunteers. Because I had such a mistrust of other services, I was at first dismissive of the Spoons support. How could they understand the losses I had suffered through having such early babies? But as time went on and Annabelle continued to get better, I started to open up to one of the volunteers.
When we left the NICU I reached out to Spoons as I felt I needed further support. I was experiencing post-natal depression and anxiety, and was struggling with the grief of losing my sons. I just felt like I couldn’t enjoy bringing my baby home.
One of the Family Support Coordinators visited me at home. I felt like I was doing everything wrong, so it was helpful to have someone recognise my relationship with my baby and show me that we were bonding. It really helped to build my confidence. She also put me forward for their trauma therapy service which has been so beneficial. Without this I think I would still be struggling now with the demons.
The whole neonatal experience really consumed me and I did have a breakdown towards the end. But the therapy has helped me to process this and also deal with the aftermath. I don’t have as many flashbacks and I’m able to get myself out of those situations in my mind.
Coping with the loss of the boys has been so very difficult. And every time we’ve been re-admitted to hospital due to illness, we’ve then been faced with the same worries of losing Annabelle. The memories of our journey are slowly becoming more distant, but they’re still quite raw. We’re getting back on our feet.
It’s been great that we’ve been able to share our experience and opinions on research projects that Spoons have been involved in. I want our feedback to influence improvements in neonatal services, so other people have a better experience.
And Annabelle, well she is our biggest achievement! She has recovered from all her illnesses and is doing incredibly well, so over the past few months we’ve really begun to enjoy her. It’s amazing to watch her laugh and giggle, doing things you never thought she would, it’s so rewarding. We consider ourselves very lucky. Our girl is happy, cheeky, and so smart.
It sounds clichéd to say she’s a miracle – but she really is!"
If you're struggling with a neonatal experience, reach out to our team who can support you. Contact us here.
