Support for dads and birthing partners

The story below was written by one of our neonatal dads, who was deeply affected by his son’s traumatic birth. It really highlights the need for more support for dads in neonatal care.

“My son was born very early at 24 weeks gestation, and in a very traumatic way. He was in a breech position and my wife had a large bleed, leading to our son swallowing a lot of her blood. He was tiny, weighing just 1lb 7oz.

I was completely petrified the day he was born. It was like my worst nightmare but it was real. 

Just after my son was born, I listened to the medical team as they connected him to a ventilator, lines and monitors. My wife was unconscious and the midwife was panicking due to the amount of blood she had lost. 

Then the beeps from the medical devices connected to my son became weaker and weaker, until they stopped. There must have been a team of 15 medical staff in the room, but there was complete silence. 

I was praying so hard, my hands turned white and I remember thinking this just can’t be happening. I’m still haunted by this day now, and the thought that I could have lost my wife and little boy, fills me with a fear that I’ve never felt before.

Despite my son’s very early arrival and having a long list of severe medical issues, he managed to pull through against all odds. We had a long and stressful stay in NICU and he came home on oxygen. 

After only a few days at home, he was rushed back into hospital after catching a cold. Our son remained on oxygen for one year, which was challenging for me.

I felt I had a lot of pressure on me. I’m self-employed, so I had to continue working despite what was going on at home and this was hard. We’d agreed the sale on our house and were house hunting when our son was born. I had to take on that responsibility as I didn’t want my wife becoming any more stressed.

Somehow, and I don’t know how, I managed to keep everything running pretty smoothly during the dark days in NICU, but I found that I really struggled once things settled down. 

It was like bad weather moved into my mind and stayed there. The weather wasn’t really stormy but it was gloomy and depressing. I felt sad and negative, and a bit alone. The strange thing is that I didn’t realise how bad it had affected me until I came out of it. 

I understand now that the symptoms are typical of PTSD, but even though I tried, I couldn’t get any metal health support, and this almost led to my business falling apart. I felt let down by the system.

I did some real soul searching and I opened up to my wife about how I was feeling, and that was the beginning of me admitting it to myself. I had to almost pick everything apart so I could put it all back together again and it was difficult. 

I started talking to a few other dads from NICU who I’d kept in touch with and it was a surprise and a relief to find out they felt the same. 

It has been a long road for me. We’re a few years on now and I still struggle to think about my boy’s birth, but things have got easier.

If I could give another bloke on NICU some advice it would be to talk – talk to other dads on the unit, especially those who’ve come out the other side of NICU. Reach out for help. It’s out there and it’s getting easier to find.”